That water so strong;
I was a weak heart,
And legs did not move;
Darkness came for but,
A moment; I seemed to,
Loose all sense of,
Realism within that,
Tomb of dread; A hand,
Did reach and day did,
Shine; A minute or two,
Upon dock most liked;
I wish a time was not,
So unpleasant but life,
Must go on; it is the,
Sounding of childhood,
And laughter after such,
Drowning complete!
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Very powerful and thought-provoking.
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I appreciate your compliment. I hope you'll enjoy my small try at sounding poetic.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful and very visual. I love poems like this.
ReplyDeleteOne tip I'd like to give (which you can ignore if you like. It's your poetry, after all.) is that you don't have to end every line with punctuation. You can let one line flow to the next if the thought is not complete.
For example:
I wish a time was not,
So unpleasant but life,
Must go on; it is the,
Sounding of childhood,
And laughter after such,
Drowning complete!
This would flow better when read out loud if it was written like this:
I wish a time was not
So unpleasant, but life
Must go on; it is the
Sounding of childhood
And laughter after such,
Drowning complete!
As I said, you can ignore my tip. Your style and voice are uniquely yours, and you should write the way you feel comfortable writing. What I would do is keep on writing the way you do, then see where you can add and remove commas and other punctuation. Most people tend to add too many commas, and I've been guilty of this more times than I can count. I write mostly prose. I don't write a lot of poetry, but I've learned a few things while reading others' work, as well as writing some of my own poetry from time to time.
This is a really beautiful poem, and I look forward to reading more! :)
I truly appreciate you spending all that time giving me advice! That's exactly what I wanted was advice and I do agree with you if it the commas were rearranged like that it would flow much better. I sometimes don't really think when I write, it just comes out and I publish the posts before reading over them extensively. I really should spend more time looking over the poems. I'm glad you liked it though and I'd appreciate more advice in the future. I hope to conquer many forms of poetry in the future but as of right now I'm just a wannabe poet. Hope you enjoy my other poems and don't be afraid to be critical.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful line breaks
ReplyDeleteHey there! very interesting poems you've got here, thanks for the invite :)
ReplyDeleteThank you very much GCourvo it is greatly appreciated!
ReplyDeleteI truly am grateful for the compliment and you are most welcome!
ReplyDelete